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These are just kind of in the order I thought of them.
Argo was probably the best thing I saw all year, that Ben Affleck sure is affable and able to direct a movie. Plus John Goodman cracks wise.
No wait, Life of Pi was the best thing I saw. That kid chills out with a tiger for a long time and doesn't get eaten. Also fucking phenomenal use of 3D, go see it in 3D if you have the option. I literally could not imagine seeing this movie in 2D, because Ang Lee's use of planar depth is just... incredible. Fucking incredible.
Looper is quite good as well, that just came out on video and you should watch it if you have not watched it. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Bruce Willis playing Bruce Willis and then Emily Blunt gets her Uma Thurman on and then you know time travel shit.
Moonrise Kingdom was the most Wes Anderson-ass Wes Anderson movie ever, and I'm glad it exists. I hope he continues making happy movies and doesn't get all sad and shit and make another Tennenbaums, because a) that movie is fucking boring and b) not really entertaining in any way except for that it keeps up with a dozen assholes being assholes for two hours.
Sleepwalk With Me is a movie I cannot recommend enough, because it feels like that's what Mike Birbiglia has been working towards with his not-that-good stand-up for the last decade.
The Avengers is fucking fantastic but kind of too long (although not too long in the bad way where nothing's happening for a while, they just kind of did too much shit for one movie). No one cares about this on a list of things because literally every person in the world saw this shit.
The Cabin in the Woods this movie's awesome even if it gets a little long in the tooth toward the end. Hey Joss Whedon I get it - REFERENCES! This might have come out last year I don't know fuck you it's good.
Chronicle that's a good goddamn movie about kids who find an asteroid or something and turn into superheroes and then the black guy dies because the white kids were assholes. Thanks, Obama.
21 Jump Street I tell you what that Channing Tatum is a hunky funny motherfucker. I had literally no idea since everything he's in was written by Nicholas Sparks or some other fucking novel-by-numbers douchebag. But yeah, this movie's hilarious and actually a good movie as well.
None of the rest of this I'd really qualify as "best of," it's more stuff that I saw that I remembered with that other stuff and felt pretty strongly about, but not enough to check out again.
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World the reason this fucked me up so hard is because at some point Steve Carrell and Keira Knightley refer to each other in a manner that my wife and I do and right in the middle of the dumpy middle-aged dude getting somewhere with the unpredictable young thing, shit tore me up. We both cried like assholes because we are, fuck you don't judge me. The movie's pretty stupid but it's incredibly sweet and you know, earnest performances work. Fuck you, I liked it.
The Queen of Versailles is a documentary about some rich assholes being rich assholes, and then it all collapses on them and it's kind of satisfying but also real sad for their kids who get close to losing everything and being unleashed on the world with zero skills. Starts out one way and goes another, and while you don't feel sorry for them (because their problems are 100% of their own creation), you see something you normally don't see.
Game Change is really good but I probably only liked it because I'm a liberal piece of shit who loved that sideshow in 2008. Good performances from Ed Harris and Julianne Moore and probably some other people.
The Secret World of Arrietty because it wouldn't be a year without a Studio Ghibli movie based on some faggot kid's book. Fuck you, it was good.
Prometheus this is a good movie and if you don't think it's a good movie well then you're a dick. It's not subtle and it's not clever, but Mike Fassbender is a good alien and the Dragon Tattoo lady makes a convincing proto-Ripley and also it's a god damn Alien prequel so fuck off Ridley Scott did it about as well as he could have.
Skyfall kind of lost its luster a bit when you think about how rapey the scene is on the boat where he gets into the shower with the lady, but the rest of it is pretty badass. I like the new Q, he reminds me of the black dude from The IT Crowd, but he's probably from Doctor Who or some other dumb shit. Anyway, another good Bond movie after Quantum of Eat A Dick was a real big expensive piece of shit.
And then here's some other movies I saw what came out this year that were good but you know, whatever.
Brave because it's a Pixar movie that doesn't have talking cars, and because fuck you, that's why.
Safety Not Guaranteed I don't know man Aubrey Plaza and the dude from The League are funny and this was ok.
Ruby Sparks Paul Dano writes himself a lady and I thought that was pretty cool and their relationship was incredibly believable even in that fucking crazy fantasy scenario.
Beginners I actually think this came out last year but I watched it again, Shoshanna from the Tarantino Nazi movie's in it and she's real cool also Ewan MacGregor is a good dude and his old dad whatever.
The Dark Knight Rises it's a good thing Christian Bale Batman is done because he is like incredibly shit at it. He's a fine Bruce Wayne but god damn with the fucking Diane Rehm vocal paralysis shit. Also Bane is a shitty villain and really you're not going to successfully follow up the greatest movie villain of all time.
The Master hey PT Anderson it's getting real hard to defend you as a premier artistic director right now, I mean this was real good but kind of in spite of your craziness and basically your cast carried this shit. You're slipping, bro. I ain't saying go back to big cast Magnolia shit, but you know, just watch yourself.
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol I'm pretty sure came out last year but that shit is badass. My wife and I watched the rest of the Mission Impossible movies and it turns out they're really awful. But at least you got Ving Rhames in that first one, that's pretty cool.
People Like Us is a chick movie with the guy from Thor I guess and Elizabeth Banks and it's pretty good just don't think about how the shit would have literally been 30 seconds long if he just said "yeah I'm your brother." CREDITS.
Seven Psychopaths is not a very good movie because they tried to go full Adaptation on it and you can't do that unless you're Charlie Kaufman aka a fucking demented genius. But it's got Colin Farrell only 3/4 masking his accent, Sam Rockwell being probably on heroin and cracking wise, Christopher Walken saying things awkwardly, and Tom Waits petting a motherfucking rabbit while telling some crazy story that's PROBABLY GODDAMN TRUE. I think you see some boobies too, I don't remember. The movie kind of sucks, but all the rest of that stuff is neat. Oh yeah Woody Harrelson is in it too and he's good at being funny.
Coriolanus is Ralph Feinnes being a motherfucking Shakespeare-ass badass. Also the 300 guy is in it.
Magic Mike in what universe does Steven Soderbergh direct this movie? That's what I don't get. But yeah, it's way better than a movie about Channing Tatum's leather-clad wiener needed to be. And don't forget Olivia Munn's boobies and SICK FUCKING DUBSTEP WUBWUWUBWUB.
The Expendables 2 great comedy about Stallone running like he's still able to run hahaha he's so old. Highly entertaining movie about old fuckers blowing shit up. Van Damme stabs a dude in the chest. By roundhouse kicking him. No really this movie's a piece of shit but it's funny and exciting enough I guess.
And then here are a couple of movies I don't really have an opinion about except where indicated:
The Hunger Games was ok. I don't care about serialized young adult fiction. It was fine. That girl is ok at doing a Renee Zellweger impression while holding a bow. It's ok.
We Bought A Zoo hey Cameron Crowe, fuck you and your manipulative music montages of dead people. This movie's quite sweet, but they kill Matt Damon's wife before the movie starts and you just KNOW that shit's coming back in a MacBook Montage. Fuck you, Cameron Crowe.
What To Expect When You're Expecting and fuck this movie for killing Anna Kendrick's baby. It's actually quite entertaining but seriously fuck that movie for being mean to that lady.
The Watch Ben Stiller isn't funny unless saying the word "shit" but Vince Vaughn is when he's being G-rated I don't get it either.
The Campaign whatever, Will Farrell playing George Bush just isn't that funny anymore and I know that wasn't what he did but it wasn't that funny.
Casa de mi Padre this was pretty funny and all in Spanish and poorly spoken by Will Farrell. But ultimately, it's just one of those career choices you question because seriously what the fuck.
The Dictator was alright, but those jokes have been run into the ground already.
Indie Game: The Movie Phil Fish is an asshole and the Team Meat guy hates Halo. But it's good. Also Jonathan Blow is a fucking weird guy.
One for the Money I actually paid money to see this bullshit. Katherine Heigl is fucking awful and she's even worse when she's doing a movie based on serialized fiction for spinsters. She can't fucking act, and she's even worse when she puts on a terrible Jersey accent. Does this lady really sell that many books that would also buy tickets for this crap? Jesus. Also the guy's name was like Joe or something, but is constantly referred to, even to his face as Minetti, which is his last name. Real fucking dumb. Fuck this movie and fuck me for spending money on it.
I saw a digital restoration of Jaws and that was fucking tits. Also you see tits in that movie. I haven't seen Jamie Foxx's dong: The Movie yet, and do not give a single goddamn shit about The Hobbit: Pages 1-60 Of This 200 Page Book That We're Making Into Nine Hours of Movie, nor have I seen Lincoln or a handful of other critically acclaimed whatevers, but who gives a Christ. Here's some unfunny words about movies. Enjoy it, you fucks. 2012!
Bonus thing: music was a real piece of shit this year, but I enjoyed the new Passion Pit and Sleigh Bells albums. Someone should tell Craig Finn to stop doing the stuff that he's doing.
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