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Hair Removal....This is funny. (I don't
have a clue as to who wrote this,
but....WHAT A HOOT!)...................
All hair removal methods have tricked
women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors,
razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read
on.........
My night began as any other normal
weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the cat. I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for
the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull
the waxing kit out of the medicine
cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax'
kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your
hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or
wherever else) and you pull the hair
right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its
two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them
together, my genius kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000
degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I
lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair
removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the house, I sneak back
into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair
fighting championship. I drop my panties
and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax
strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my
hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside
of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) .
I inhale deeply and brace
myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH
MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only
managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything
is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered
strip, the one that has caused me so much
pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still
perched on the toilet. I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the
strip...it's not! I touch. .. I am
touching wax !!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive
part of my body, which is now covered in
cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the
next BIG mistake...remember my foot is
still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot
down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying
to figure out what to do and think to
myself 'Please don't let me get the urge
to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll
run the hottest water I can stand into
the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt
and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly
hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical
equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having
your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued
to the bottom of the tub...in scalding
hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't
melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the
tub as though I had cemented myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who
had convinced me a few months ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has
waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter 'So, my butt
and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know
any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from
me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, 'Are we talking
cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can
hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the
side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of
someone else's night. While we go
through various solutions. I resort to
trying to scrape the wax off with a
razor . Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax,
glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax
off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I
finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess
wax.
What do I really have to lose at this
point? I rub some on and ... OH MY
GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the
kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, but I really
don't care. 'IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty
congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of
the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL
HERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm
numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this
point.
Next week I'm going to try hair
color......
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