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Barbies I'd Like to See<
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Administrative Barbie:<
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Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Administrative Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole, despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-organization, a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.<
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America's Most Wanted Barbie:<
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She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.<
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Bisexual Barbie:<
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Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.<
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Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:<
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An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.<
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Blue Collar Barbie:<
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Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.<
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Divorced Barbie:<
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Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).<
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Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:<
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This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.<
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Ecology Barbie:<
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Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.<
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Homegirl Barbie:<
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Barbie in a midriff-baring shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so" "Dang, get outta my face" and "You go, girl" Teaches girls not to take any crap from men and/or condescending people.<
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Melrose Place Barbie:<
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Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.<
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Murder, Barbie Wrote:<
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Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27 !) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.<
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My So-Called Barbie:<
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She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and national recognition.<
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Oprah Barbie:<
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Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.<
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Our Barbies Ourselves:<
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Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, a magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
east pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.<
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Rebbe Barbie:<
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And why not ? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.<
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Robotic Barbie:<
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Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine ! After falling over, she says "You too can walk thru life in a stupor. Damn these spike heels anyway!"<
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Roseanne Barbie:<
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The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much. While this Barbie can indeed spout mouthfuls at a time, she cannot sing.<
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Sister Mary Barbie:<
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This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.<
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Temp Barbie:<
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This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.<
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Twelve-Step Barbie:<
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Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.<
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Voluptuous Barbie:<
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A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous boobs and butt, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a
ick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat" and, of course, an appetite.<
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My Crappy Gear on Magelo <i></i>
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