"You're parched, dying of thirst, your mouth feels like it is full of the
very sand that you wearily tread upon. Suddenly a heavenly figure appears
before you, thrusting into your dry, bleeding hands, life. Sweet, cool and
refreshing, you drain the bottle of liquid miracle, and look up to your
savior. A small gnome by the name of Ping Fizzlecutter, sole proprietor of
"Fizzlecutter enterprises", makers of Fizzlecutter 5000. But how did this
small, unassuming gnome from Freeport become Norrath's largest beverage
king? This is Coyotee Sharptongue for TNZ News, bringing you the TRUE
story." <Coyotee turns to a small Gnome holding up a large Pink Bottle>
"Standing with me is Ping Fizzlecutter, gnome, businessman, visionary. Can
you tell us Ping, how did you come up with the idea for Fizzlecutter
5000?" <Coyotee asks, examining his own bottle of the beverage>
"Hello Coyotee. Well, actually its a funny story. See, me and my six
brothers, Ding, Ring, Ging, Tring, Ling, and Mike were exploring the
frozen lands of the GREAT DIVIDE, when all of a sudden, a HUGE snow storm
kicked up. It was a blizzard to rival the wraths of the gods
themselves. Luckily, Ding spotted a small cave and we hurried
inside." <Ping says with wide eyes as he starts his story. Its obvious
he's enjoying the attention>
<Coyotee opens his bottle of Fizzlecutter 5000 and sniffs lightly, looking
very pleased>
"Do go on!" <Coyotee motions to Ping>
"WELL. There we were, TRAPPED inside a dark cave, with no food, no
supplies. Tense minutes turned to hours. HOURS turned to days. We were
hungry, we were tired, and we were going to die. Then suddenly, Ling had
an idea! We had noticed on the way in, that there were a lot of Kodiaks in
the area. They ALL couldn't be hunting prey for food. They had to be
sustained on SOMETHING, right?" <Ping looks at Coyotee, just as Coyotee
was about to drink>
"Um..Yes...yes. So you followed the bears?" <Coyotee asks, lowering the
drink>
"EXACTLY! We followed the bears! And that's when we discovered the
berries. After watching the bears dig, we ran over to the excavation
site. There, buried under the hard packed snow were small, red
berries!" <Ping explains excitedly as he turns to Coyotee>
<Coyotee takes a long, deep pull off of the bottle of Fizzlecutter 5000>
"Ahhhh. Delicious. So these berries, this wonder shown to you by the
bears, kept you alive? This is the secret of Fizzlecutter 5000?" <Coyotee
asks smiling>
"What? No!" <The Gnome laughs at Coyotee's conclusion>
"The berries were poisonous!" <Ping chuckles shaking his head> "We were SO
overcome with anger and grief, that we bashed in Ling's face with a rock
and gutted him with our bare hands." <He chuckles to himself as he says
the word "berries" again>
"Y-you..what?" <Coyotee asks in shock, his eyes going wide, the bottle's
neck still to his lips>
"Well..DUH. Ling was ALWAYS full of stupid ideas, and we were driven
insane from exposure and surviving on toe-nail clipping soup. The poison
berry thing was just too much. So after we gorged ourselves on his still
warm flesh, we needed away to hide what we had done, Sooooo...We took all
his left over parts and shoved them back into his skin, packed it full of
ice and snow, threw in a couple of rocks, and some of the berries,
since he LOVED them so much, sewed it all up and boiled it." <Ping
explains calmly as Coyotee stands there frozen, the bottle at his lips>
"You...boiled your brother in his own skin..." <Coyote mumbles through nerveless lips
as he stares at Ping>
"Yup, and GET THIS, it started to leak. WELL, even though it had poison
berries in it, it smelled SO GOOD we just had to taste it. Do you believe
that with the snow and rocks, all boiling in a gnome hide cask took the
poison RIGHT out of those berries?" <Ping asks incredulously as Coyotee
begins to turn a shade of green>
"Fizzlecutter 5000 is people." <Coyotee states, dropping the bottle>
"No no no. Its so much MORE than that. We've REALLY refined its
taste. Sure it took us Tring, Ging, and Mike to get the flavor down
juuussssttt right, and we've started using purified water instead of
common snow, but the effort has been worth it. Sales have NEVER been
better!" <Ping beams with pride>
"Fizzlecutter 5000 is people. I just..drank...people." <Coyotee yells
louder as the gnome looks on unblinking.>
"Fizzlecutter 5000, for the people, by the people. SAY, that has a nice
ring to it. Oh hey! We render the fat too! Gives it that smoooooth creamy
taste, wouldn't you agree?" <Ping asks rhetorically>
"I'm going to be sick." <Coyotee says flatly as he drops the bottle and
mic, walking off screen>
<With a smile Ping picks up the microphone and turns towards the camera>
"So there you have it folks! Buy some Fizzlecutter 5000 today! Chock full
of vitamins and minerals, NOTHING starts your day off like a bottle of
Fizzlecutter 5000! Back to you Tom and Diane!" <Ping finishes the
broadcast. As the camera fades to black you can hear Coyotee faintly
asking a single question>
"Does ANYONE have a toothbrush!?"
