My daughter opened all her presents and her stocking gifts at her mom's house within the past week, on two separate occasions. She's 4 years old and punishment (which my ex is doling out) isn't working on her. I think the problem is the discipline she gets, because she never does things like that at my house. My ex paints her in such a bad light, but I have her 80% of the time (and I don't have custody, she lives with my ex) and I just never see that kind of behavior.

Does anyone else have this kind of problem? I know I have no control over it, but it just boggles my mind that my child can go from being a normal, decent kid for 6 days and then in 24 hours be the worst kid in the world and get severely punished (This time is 1 week without TV or movies) by my ex.

Also, why would she put the presents out 3 weeks early so a 4 year old could get into them? That boggles my mind.

I just don't get any of it and I wish there was something I could do.

Kids are clever like that and they quickly learn who they can manipulate.

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Larreth Wolfsong (long retired)
Lanys T'vyl, Everquest

Zinky, Lvl 60 Warlock
Thunderhorn, WoW

Not being defensive here but who do you think she is manipulating? Me because she's good or my ex because she's bad?

My knee jerk reaction is that either A) the punishment being given by your ex is not as severe as you think. If things like no tv for a week aren't particularly important to her, the punishment would be ineffective. My daughter wouldn't bat an eye at that one.

or B) It's a ploy for attention. I know children who are largely ignored by their parents and they act out simply to make their parents interact with them on any level.

Not knowing really any specifics, it's all just a guess, but that's the stuff that classic wisdom will tell you to look for, I think.

I have three kids and my oldest now 15 was is very challenging, my wife and I are married so we don’t have that issue, but when she was younger she would go to the grandparents house and then one we were around she would change into the "bad" kid, I believe it is part of them growing up and seeing what they can get away with, I also think that there is some diffrent type of dynamic between a mother and dauter, because I know that my girls dont act the same when she is around as when its just me. As kids grow they push the boundaries the biggest thing that we (my wife and I) found was we just needed to be constant if we said no that’s it, and things are not open for discussion, mom and dad are the law what we say goes, remember it’s much harder to parent then just be a mom and dad because you have issues like this and you care.

As for the punishment, we have the same issue with our oldest; the punishments never seemed to faze her.

Hang in there only 14 more years till she is 18

As for the presents that she got in to, if she were older I would have here bring them to a shelter or Toys of Tots. and we have neave put the presents out till the night or day before christmas, just for that reason.

_________________
Devil

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for the night.
Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.

It may not be severe at her house, because my daughter has an entire room to herself with toys strewn across every inch of the floor to play with. At my house, we have books to read, coloring books, and very few toys. We watch a lot of movies together as well because she enjoys that. So this full week when she is with me I'm supposed to bend over for my ex and let her control the time I have with my daughter? That doesn't seem right to me. I want to work as a team with her but I don't think she really cares about that, so why should I have to continue with the punishment she gave our daughter? Should I?



I think this is a big part of it. Even when my ex has her, she is largely ignored, sent to play in her room or watch movies by herself because her mom is just "too busy". I don't know what goes on there except from what my daughter and ex tell me, and while I do realize that my ex is pretty busy, I don't think she takes advantage of the time she has with our daughter.



I get that, and she's definitely not perfect for me either. She's a kid (which I have to remind my ex of constantly), how can I expect her to be. She's also VERY excitable and loves to explore, so I've figured out how to work around that in most situations.



Oh I'm not worried about my daughter, I'm worried about having to deal with my ex for those years. ARGH!

Our parenting methods are just so different, and whenever I try to talk to her about things (NOT calling her out or telling her she's doing something wrong) she gets defensive and personally attacks me. It's very grating and I know I let it get to me more than it should but she just knows every button to push. I don't push back because I'm worried that she may take my daughter away (or try) and that's a terrible fear to live under.

Sorry, your ex. She behaves at your place because she knows she won't get away with it.

_________________
Larreth Wolfsong (long retired)
Lanys T'vyl, Everquest

Zinky, Lvl 60 Warlock
Thunderhorn, WoW

I'm not saying anything groundbreaking here... divorce is hard on kids, especially if one (or both) of the parents are childish themselves. I know a few adults who argue and shout at their kids, refer to them as brats, etc - but the parents are on the level of the children. It's amazing that parents expect their children to behave, when the parents fail to maintain any sense of structure or discipline.

Anyhoo - I have no valuable input other than this: if she behaves at your house, keep doing what you're doing. Don't take shots at her mother, and try to keep your patience. Best of luck, I'm sure the situation sucks.

I agree. I see this all the time myself. It's really sad and doesn't speak well about the parents.

Also I definitely don't talk badly about her mother around her, but it's hard not to vent sometimes to others.

Thanks a lot everyone, having some outside perspective is really nice sometimes.

And as an example... one person (40 years old) I know yells and screams at her kids, basically arguing like a child herself - instilling no discipline.

Her 8 year old had an assignment where she had to read a poem to 10 people and get their signature. The girl walked around to several adults, showed them the list and said "sign this". When one adult asked the parent "what's this", the parent lied for the child, saying "she just needs you to sign that for school" or something like that. A couple folks signed it without really looking at it.

The kid brings the thing to me to sign, and I take a quick glance, seeing that is says the kid is supposed to read you the poem. So, I hand it back and say "read it to me." She says "no" and spends the next 15 minutes screaming at her mom to make me sign the paper. It was an awe inspiring scene. Her mom's response was "we will find someone to sign it".

No point to this other than the sheer amazingness of the whole thing.

Later that night the mom was complaining about what a brat the kid is and how she can never get homework done. Gee, I wonder why.

I don't even have words for that scenario. Well, disturbing and disgusting, but no other way to really piece together a reply.

People are awesome.

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Kuwen Furyblades
Hunter of Memento Reejeryn
Champion of Faydark

Parents just don't understand.

No need to get jiggy wit' it.

You should see how my sister ended up when my stepdad never had her do chores, clean her room...answer to authority, bailed her out of every situation she got herself into...let her swear around the house in like 8th grade...

She's a winner.

_________________
Larreth Wolfsong (long retired)
Lanys T'vyl, Everquest

Zinky, Lvl 60 Warlock
Thunderhorn, WoW

I am 12 years divorced with a single child (she is 16). Both of us have remarried and I have custody. I have quite a bit I can add here, but I would feel more comfortable in PM if you would like some input.

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She's 4. Your ex is retarded for keeping out Xmas presents when she has a hard time with it. Most parents I know with young children don't tempt them like that because most little kids have shitty impulse control.

It's like leaving a giant plate of cookies on the table and then getting pissed off that they get eaten by small children.

The problem isn't the kid.

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My advice: Don't get advice from an internet message board. Custody and issues with small children are too nuanced for it.

I wasn't asking about custody issues lol

Yeah, there's no problem asking for a reality check. Maybe everyone on the board responded "you're a self-righteous jerk". I don't know how many times people have posted something thinking they were clearly in the right, only to get feedback of "no, you're being stupid." This isn't the case here, but I don't see any reason not to say "Am I crazy?"

All i'm saying is that issues involving visitation are more complicated than the canned response you'll get from people here, many of whom don't have kids. I have a stepson who is 6, and to try to boil down the relationship into a 2 paragraph post and expect constructive advice is preposterous. It's actually more harmful than anything, because any tips you get here will be about the same as tossing a dart blindfolded.

Exactly. I wasn't looking for a bunch of people to jump to my side, just some objective perspective.



I see where you're coming from, and hey, say what's on your mind, but that isn't and never was what the post was about. It was about my child's behavior and if my ex was being unreasonable.

Also, update...the next day she was miraculously un-grounded "kind of". So much for consistency in discipline.

I never really got that Nana was asking for solutions to a problem anyway. It was just simple venting and asking for opinions. Nothing wrong with that.